It's Alive! Franken-Turkey

posted November 19, 2008
  by Josh Gunn, Bachelor Chow

The best turkey I've ever eaten was at the home of the owners of CDKitchen last Thanksgiving. Last year Valerie and Brent invited me over for the traditional holiday fixin's. When I arrived in the middle of the afternoon, Brent was positively giddy at the "Frankenstein's monster" that was in the oven. Valerie opened the oven to show me what was inside; it looked like a giant, pulsating brain.

When I looked closer, however, it became clear that what I was looking at was a big turkey covered in curling bacon. Valerie basted the thing with maple syrup and closed the oven again. I drank their bourbon. We waited. We talked about bachelory and unbachelory things. We watched something on television. We waited.

We watched Valerie mash boiled potatoes and add butter. I offered to assist, but was denied. We waited. I drank more of their bourbon. The oven was opened again and wafts of maple-bacon turkey worked their way up my nose. I found myself enticed. I got goose-bumps and primal images of youthful exploration of new culinary delights floated in my head.

Valerie tended to the green bean casserole. Brent and I discussed the latest art film. I had a sip of bourbon. We waited.

Then, finally, the turkey was done and dinner was ready.

Although the cooked bird did indeed look strange, the honey-crusted bacon that came off of it was delicious. Valerie slid the knife into the back of the bacon-less turkey and it sunk to the plate as if the meat was buttah. The thin slices of turkey on my plate made their way (quickly) into my mouth, and the meat almost melted. Turkey fat dribbled down my chin and onto the napkin dangling from my collar. I had never had a turkey this moist and flavorful. I had never eaten a bird so sublime! I knew that I soon would have to recreate the experience!

I attempted the same recipe for my own family at Christmas. Valerie explained that the recipe came from the CDKitchen.com website---actually, from former columnist Lauren Braun Costello (the original column is here). My mother and I followed Costello's "Maple Bacon Roast Turkey" recipe exactly. Unfortunately, the bird didn't come out anything like Valerie's success on Thanksgiving. What did we do wrong? Was it our oven? The size of the bird? Although Costello would probably disagree with me, I think we failed to produce the same moist and mouthwatering turkey because we didn't brine the bird!

So, this year, I'm going to soak the Christmas turkey in brine overnight before we attempt to cook it the next day. As Costello explains, brining your bird helps to keep it tender and retain moisture. The key, she says, is to thoroughly rinse your brined bird---inside and out---before you begin to cook it. Frankly, I also think the key is drinking bourbon while you wait for the turkey to cook. But unfortunately, my family in Georgia is comprised of a bunch of teetotalers. I'll have to wait in my sobriety. But if the turkey turns out anything like Valerie's, it'll be worth the wait.

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