Tune In, Chow Down, Turn On

posted November 12, 2008
  by Josh Gunn, Bachelor Chow

With a string of tragi-comic dates under my belt, I have vowed that I will not date again until the new year, when the forces of the cosmos hit the reset button, weight-loss regimens begin (as the gym fills up for the busiest month of the year), and mistletoe makes kissing strangers somewhat permissible.

Perhaps there's some sort of "reverse psychology" wish-fulfillment at work here: by swearing off potential lovers, some pretty thing will drop into my world and rock it. Not likely, as this thirty-something cynic is hard to crack these days. I've even found myself muttering my favorite lines from David Lynch's famed Twin Peaks series to others a lot in the past few weeks: After military man Garland Briggs is (seemingly) abducted by aliens and returned to earth, he is interrogated by Agent Cooper, who asks: "Your name, please?"

"Garland. Briggs."

"Garland: what do you fear most in the world?"

"The possibility that love is not enough."

Almost fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, which is perhaps proof enough of Lynch's prophetic vision (which begs the question on Prop 8 in California: betcha same-sex partners stay together way longer, cause they've fought so hard to get hitched!). So I say rushing to date, even in your mid-thirties, risks your being abducted by aliens. Go ask Whitley Strieber, if you don't believe me or Lynch.

And on that note of strangeness, I'm reminded of the demand for rhinoceros horns in the world, and so it's time I talked about aphrodisiacs. What's that, you ask? Well, an aphrodisiac is a food or substance that you eat that is either supposed to increase or enhance sexual desire. While I have no use for such a thing at present, I recognize many of you bachelors are interested in foods that increase or enhance sexual desire. The challenge, of course, is to keep this column family friendly whilst waxing bacheloretic on turn-on foods (thoughts of naughty pictures of bell peppers come to mind). I think I can do that, which means becoming something of a killjoy. Call me writerly saltpeter, so to speak.

First, there is no scientific evidence that any substance increases or enhances sexual pleasure. Nope. None. Nada. Everything you've heard about raw oysters is sort-of not true. I say "sort-of not true" because there is the placebo effect. The argument here is that the idea that raw oysters enhance sexual desire, whether or not they actually do, can make one think one is more desirous. In other words, in general the folks who research this sort of thing in laboratories can find no physiological change in sex drive other than that which occurs in the brain--our most responsive sexual organ.

So bachelors, try this whenever you're out on a date: whatever your (potential) lover is eating, say that it's an aphrodisiac.

"Umm, baby: didja know Colonel Sanders had fifteen lovers at any one time?"

"Are you kiddn' me, Phineas?"

"Uh-uh. That's what all the fuss about the 'secret recipe' is about. His fried chicken is an aphrodisiac!"

That said, many foods are rumored to be aphrodisiacs. Perhaps the most famous is chocolate, which contains phenylethylamine, which can make some people excited and happy. Frankly, anecdotal evidence bears this one out, as I've made many a friend happy with chocolate. But chocolate has never bought me seven minutes in heaven, not even in the third grade, so I don't know what all the fuss is about.

Some friends--those who put me up to this column--were all about getting me to write about vegetarian aphrodisiacs. My first response was, "um, doesn't that rule-out foreplay?" But then I reconsidered my reaction: bananas, apparently, are said harbor chemicals that elevate confidence and inspire happiness. Carrots have lots of vitamin A, which is necessary for the male build-up of stamina, if you get my drift. And apparently the smell of pumpkin can elevate your arousal by as much as 40%. All of these tips come from pro-Vegan website www.GoVeg.com, whose claims seem dubious at best, but heck: if it works for you, nosh on all the carrot, pumpkin, and bananas you can handle.

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