Dating Tips for Those Going to a Nice Guy's House for Dinner

posted October 22, 2008
  by Josh Gunn, Bachelor Chow

Most of the dating advice out there tends to be for men, and often concerns what they should do and say to their prospective lovers. Much of this advice is sexist and does not take into account that there are sometimes nice guys out there who would like to know more about their dates than what they look like in the bathtub. I consider myself one of those guys.

Personally, I think the "sex on the third date" rule is absolutely rubbish. One should only be intimate with someone if they are comfortable and trust them---could be 8th date, could be a year, could be in one night (with me it's closer to the first).

But instead of offering dating advice for the nice guy, I would like to offer some dating advice for those who accept a date from a nice guy, especially if you ask for a second and third date. We'll shoot for ten pointers.

First, trust your intuition and make sure he is not a pretend nice guy before you accept a date at his house. But if you can tell he's a nice guy and he has a good report from others, don't be afraid to go. We nice guys tend to decorate our dwellings in ways that reflect who we think we are, so you can probably learn a lot about a bachelor by checkin' out his stuff. If his place is clean and he cooks well, these are good things. You should be impressed and should say so, or at least appear to be impressed.

Second, if your date is at 6:00 p.m., don't arrive at 6:45 p.m. It's possible the meal was prepared with some timing involved; you might cause him to over-cook something. And if you must be late, it's a courtesy to call ahead and apologize. And if you say you're running fifteen minutes late, don't arrive 45 minutes late. He will say it's not a problem, but he's secretly thinking something else.

Third, if he has a coin operated mechanical fortune teller in his living room, you know, like the one in the Tom Hanks film Big, it is true that this is unusual, perhaps even a bit creepy. That is a sane reaction. When you ask how he ended up with it, and he responds in a humorous tone, "never drink and Ebay," you are supposed to laugh. Do not say, "this is the weirdest thing I've ever seen." Also, don't follow such a phrase with, "you have a lot of weirdo books, too." Instead, use the word "interesting." The word "interesting" can mean a lot of things, most of which are positive. Interesting can mean "weird" for you, but it might mean "fascinating" to him. Thus, you can save face and still not be deceitful.

Fourth, if your bachelor put a rose on your place setting, say something about it. When you are about to leave and he says, "oh, don't forget your rose," the proper response is, "oh, thank you," perhaps with a smile. The improper response is, "oh, you mean you're not going to recycle that for the next woman?"

Fifth, as you are eating, be sure to compliment the meal. Chances are, if you suddenly switched the location of the date from your house to his house at the last minute, he probably cancelled his Friday night plan to see one of his favorite bands, like the Walkmen, so he could go to the grocery store and plan the meal. If it's a gourmet meal, he probably spent some hours preparing it.

Even if the food is terrible, it's polite to at least compliment him on the effort. Lets say the food tastes like a heated shoe heel. Fine. But did you notice how pretty the place setting is? The candles? The rose? You might say, "Oh, Stan, this is so lovely. Everything is so beautiful." You could say, "goodness, you must have been preparing this all day! Thank you!" In short, acknowledge his labor.

In general, guys do things to show their affection, and they are less likely to say things (research bears this out, folks). If he likes you, he cooks for you; he may not say "I love you, will you move in?" for some months, perhaps years. So complimenting him is one of the ways you acknowledge this "doing" form of communicating his feelings.

Sixth, if your date tells you about a decision he has made to write a popular press book, and that this decision was financially motivated, you probably should not insist that he compare himself to a prostitute. It is insulting, especially if you keep saying it over and over after he protests. Certainly don't make him defend his career choices, especially if you don't have a career of your own.

Seventh, just because he is 35, never married or divorced, and single does not mean he is gay, and continuously suggesting that a 35 year old may not understand his sexual identity is likely to annoy him. If he is dating you, and you are female, he is either straight or plays for both teams. I gamble most 35 year olds have a handle on their sexuality; it's not likely that someone he has known all of three weeks can discern his primal impulses better than he can.

Eighth, no matter how much you want to check your e-mail on your Blueberry or iHorn gadget, you really shouldn't do that in the middle of a date. It communicates to him that you are bored, or are not really that interested in his conversation.

Ninth, know your alcohol tolerance. On job interview junkets, you should only have ONE glass of wine, ONE beer, or ONE drink at dinner with potential colleagues, and then only if others are drinking.

Understandably, dating is a different situation. You're both nervous, and alcohol can "take the edge off." But too much alcohol can de-inhibit you in extreme ways; you might find yourself, for example, calling your date a prostitute for hire. You might even get sick. So if you're already a bit tipsy, just don't take another drink, even if he does. Remember: women process alcohol differently than men, and many get tipsy on less alcohol than a man would.

Now, if you do accidentally get sick at a nice guy's house, it's not the best scenario, but he will take care of you—he's a nice guy, after all. You are human, and nervous humans do nervous human things. Not a problem. Regardless, you should let him help you. In fact, let him take care of you; taking care of a date is a good way for the bachelor to feel manly.

Do not insist on driving home drunk; stay in the guest bedroom like he offered so he doesn't worry about you veering off into a ditch or crashing your car. Also, call first thing the next day to let him know you are Old Kinderhook. Yes, I know it's embarrassing, but he has feelings too and e-mailed, phoned, and texted you because he was worried. Don't wait until the sun is setting the next day before you text him to tell him you are alive.

Finally, if the date didn't go well for you, it's polite to say so, especially if he asks if you would like to date again. Don't respond, "Yes Please!" if you really don't like him, if you had a dreadful time, or if you're already dating someone else who you are much more attracted to. Don't force yourself to make out with him either; Meg Ryan does fake sexual pleasure pretty well, but in general, in real life the guy can tell if a kiss is forced or insincere (not so much in the bedroom; Sally really is right about that).

Now, I know, I know, you may be new to an area and could use some help learning about the town, but really, using him when you have no intention of becoming his lover or friend is not nice. It's especially not nice to pretend you would like another date, because he might take you at your word and then learn somewhat shockingly a week later that he was just being used. Yes, I know Robert Smith of the immortal pop band The Cure would say that "boys don't cry," but as nice guys will confess, some boys really do.

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