Low Expectations: What Does the Bachelor Bring to a Potluck?

posted September 3, 2008
  by Josh Gunn, Bachelor Chow

It's that time of year when poor students--undergraduate and graduate alike--are clamoring to get together to reacquaint themselves with each other. It's also that time of year when married couples invite everyone they know to assemble in their backyard to test out the newest bug-zapping technologies. If you're the single guy, getting an invitation to one of these gatherings can really throw you for a loop.

Of course, what you have going for you already is what I like to call "bachelor's license": in our culture, no one expects the single guy to cook, to be clean at home, or to be hygienic. Frankly, you can show up to most potlucks with a six pack (either the stomach or can variety) and you'd be good to go. Of course, some bachelors are clean-cut, well groomed, while others need more patchouli for their dreadlocks. But, in general, expectations for the bachelor are, thankfully, low.

In deciding what to bring to a potluck, the first step is decoding the invitation. Here are common styles of invitational rhetoric and their translations:

1. "Dude, we're having some folks over on Sunday to watch the game and stuff. The missus says to bring somethin' to eat, so bring something." This invitation means for you to bring over a bag of chips, perhaps some dip, and some beer.

2. "Hi all! Jim and I are having a house-warming party this Friday! We'll have some beer on hand, but feel free to bring something to share." This invitation means for you to bring over a bag of chips, perhaps some dip, and some beer.

3. "Dear Friends: In honor of June and Sissy's surprise civil union in Las Vegas, we'd like to host a potluck reception next month at Carl's Function Hall. Please bring a dish to share." This invitation strives for something more fancy, and so you are expected to bring something more prepared than potato chips.

The third invitational scenario means that you have to resort to answering the second question: how do you want to be perceived? Now you've been invited to a potluck at which you are expected to bring something that does not come out of a bag. What do you do? The answer to this question depends on how you wish for the guests to think of you. In other words, what you bring will determine your persona. Here's some examples:

1. The Wise Guy Persona: to be the wise guy persona, show up with a bucket or two of chicken from one of those famous chain chicken joints. You're a wise guy, first, because people will love you and your chicken. It will be eaten. Second, you're a wise guy because other chumps spent half the day making some sort of complicated casserole. The same goes if you show up with a bunch of Sliders from White Castle or Krystal.

2. The Practical Guy: the practical guy shows up with a vat of store-prepared potato salad. It's really hard to mess up potato salad, so it's universally good. Few people will question your wisdom. The downside to being the practical guy is that few people will remember your contribution. If you want to bring something but don't want that something to be "noticed," potato salad is your solution.

3. The Total Bachelor Stereotype: this guy shows up with the bag of chips anyway. On the downside, you'll meet with some unspoken disapproval. On the upside, you only reinforce the wattage of your "bachelor license" power.

4. The Sophisticate/Metrosexual/Cooking Queen: this bachelor shows up with an exquisite plate of hors d'oeuvres garnished with parsley, spring rolls, or sushi he rolled and made himself. Your skills will be conspicuous: some will love you, some will be insanely jealous and think you are showing off.

5. The Sophisticate/Metrosexual/Cooking Queen Pragmatist: this bachelor shows up with an exquisite plate of hors d'oeuvres, spring rolls, or sushi he bought from the store, but which he transferred to his own plate and added a garnish. See number 4 above for the possible reaction, and it probably doesn't matter if you tell them you made it yourself or bought it from a store. It still looks impressive.

6. The "Where Angels Fear to Tread" Bachelor: this single guy brings either (a) pasta salad of some sort; or (b) a leafy salad of some sort (e.g., spinach with pears and blue cheese). Hey single men: please understand that salads are what women bring to potlucks. There will be fifteen different salads to choose from, and you'll only be reducing the meat and potatoes quotient. Remember: only the ladies bring salads to potlucks.

5. Dr. Bachelor Status: This guy shows up with one of Dr. Bachelor's most awesome, crowd pleasing dishes: gumbo or jambalaya. People will say your food is delicious, demand your recipes, and praise you for your culinary skills. If you keep bringing these recipes to potlucks, you'll eventually be tapped by two entrepreneurs to write cooking columns for bachelors for their cooking recipe website!

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