Hangover Happiness Is Bloody

posted December 26, 2007
  by Josh Gunn, Bachelor Chow

Tis the season for sweet beverages, and it's the only time of year your Aunt Edna allows herself to punch it up with some nog-love. Of course, if there's one culinary constant during the holidays, it rhymes with "booger," and it seems everyone wants to combine it with alcohol and spices. And as any bachelor knows, sugar + alcohol = hangover. The only way to avoid a hangover this time of year is to drink in moderation, and moderation goes with New Year's and Christmas like wearing flip-flops to a funeral. You unmarried men are gonna need some assistance for the dreaded day-after, and I'm bringin' it: the Bloody Mary.

Now, if you want to stand in front of a mirror and call her name thirteen times, be my guest. But the spirit we're really after here is the one that brung ya to that unhappy land of the Throbby Jitter in the first place. Some really smart, obviously credentialed folks on the tubes (that is, the Internets) tell us that hangovers are the result of toxins left behind after alcohol is metabolized, combined with dehydration and vitamin deficiencies. Making your body metabolize sugar and other impurities or "congeners" (the stuff that gives distinctive alcohols like bourbon their flavor) at the same time as it processes alcohol only amplifies the pain factor.

Before you go to bed—that is, if you're in a state to remember to do so—take a couple of ibuprofen (not, I stress NOT acetaminophen pain relievers like Tylenol, which can wreck your liver). Those along with a couple of big glasses of water will help. Educated bachelors will know, however, that tomato juice restores the vitamin deficiencies and a little vodka will, you know, take the cutting edge off that throb-throb-throb-throb [repeat]. For relief, try this hearty Bloody Joshie Deluxe right after a greasy hamburger and a milkshake:

4 oz. tomato juice
1.5 oz. beef broth or bouillon
2.5 oz. vodka (Skyy, Grey Goose, something decent)
1 tbl. Worcestershire sauce
1 tbl. fresh lemon juice, reserve rind
2 hits Tabasco
1 dash coarsely ground black pepper
1 dash Tony Chachere's Creole Seasoning (or something like it)
1 pinch fresh dill (coarsely chopped)
½ tsp. minced garlic
½ tsp. creamed horseradish
½ oz. fine Sherry or port
celery salt
celery sticks, olives, and pickled veggies (carrots, okra, corn, etc.) for garnish.

A Bloody Joshie Deluxe is only as good as the care and effort you take while making one, so don't rush this. Take frequent breaks as you prepare the drink to give yourself some down time, check the game score, and so on. Now, add all the ingredients to a cocktail shaker with ice, and while the ice is melting a little, prepare a highball glass by running the lemon rind along the rim for wetness, and then sprinkling it with celery salt.

Insert your celery and pickled veggies (I am partial to pickled okra myself), and then fill the glass with ice. Drop in a few olives at this point if you like. Just for kicks, if you have any old Barbie or Ken dolls lying around, you can pluck off the head and drop it in the glass to signify solidarity with the hurting heads around the world (warning: if you're entertaining other hungover people, this may be a bit too much bachelor-style for them).

Now, give the ingredients in your shaker a good battering and strain into your prepared glass. Of course, I like 'em spicy and this recipe is a tad on the "hot" side; if you cannot take the heat, just don't add the horseradish or Tabasco.

Slowly enjoy your Bloody Joshie Deluxe, maybe even with a bendy straw, and no matter how tempting, avoid the video games for the rest of the day (trust me). Try one and you'll be good to go. Try a few and you'll be done for the remainder of the day. But heck, it's not like you planned on going into the office anyway.

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